Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

my lower back watching me try to live my life

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.