Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk