Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.