Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

If looks could kill

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”