teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
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You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
somebody come look at this
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Would you wear it?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
they should invent a hydrating liquor