Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!