Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

Meowchelangelo

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.