Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Pringles

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon