Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”