Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.