Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica