Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.