Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans