teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes


[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.


[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store


My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?


Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want


Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*


“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?


How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are