starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
CDC: Stop that.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are