teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
oh you wanna fight?!
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains