teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.