Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

the council will decide your fate

playing pool? you mean swimming?

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂