Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”