Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

This could’ve been an email.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away