Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!