Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger
My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?
I’ve been on Twitter too long
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
You Might Also Like
My bucket list.
1. Buy bucket.
Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
*thinks happy thoughts*
*throws pixie dust in your eyes*
*flies off with all your money*
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”
“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”