@OhNoSheTwitnt

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

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@Pickles5366

Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger

My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?

I’ve been on Twitter too long

@BillMc7

Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”

@JimmerThatisAll

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

@SortaBad

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

@SuperJuanderer

When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.

@thesupergrobi

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

@tsm560

*thinks happy thoughts*

*throws pixie dust in your eyes*

*flies off with all your money*

@BoomBoomBetty

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

@tdwyer618

“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”