Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?