Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

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ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories


[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”


It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are


You think you got problems

I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti

Supper is ruined I tell you


HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent


horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!


FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*


Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months


I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.



I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.