Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.