Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.