*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
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It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.