Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

Raisins are grape jerky.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Smile they said.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

<- sleeps well with others

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood