Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]