Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and