Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

Oh boy, $150,000!

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic