Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.