Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda