Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Teacher: Youβre gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you donβt come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Boss: Whereβd you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
What do you call a man with no car???
β¦an Uber.
every single thing youβve ever done and all the decisions youβve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
At this point, HBO knows weβd watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like βI could really go for some pizza.β
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I havenβt said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: βI think I want to see other people.β My reply was, βYou better look out the window.β
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identityΒ disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah thatβs the gist of it
I donβt get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
βyour honor, Iβd like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.β
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow thatβs rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* donβt
me: thereβs a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* thatβll be $18.50
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said βday before Valentineβs Dayβ like Iβm some genius who knows when Valentineβs Day is.
Child: Mom! You canβt go that way, itβs a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, thatβs just a suggestion.
If I was a sniper, Iβd probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
