Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

remember

only for emergencies

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.