Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.