Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

Do one thing every day that scares people.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

ACED my prostate exam!

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”