Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”