Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

I want this so bad

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

satan: not today, microsoft teams

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)