Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.