Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

How to wake up a Beagle

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

ugh not again