Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
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[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
That took me a moment.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.