Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is