Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Chemical wingman

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

The news

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.