Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

who did the taste test?