Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
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2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts