Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
You Might Also Like
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
a lot to unpack here
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.