Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
He’s cranky this morning
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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts