Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
But wait…
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.