Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?