Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy mother’s day❤️

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat