Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

Actually cracking up @ this

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.