Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”