Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.