Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
an octopus is just a wet spider
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.