teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
they see me scrollin
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza