Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does it…does it take 3 days

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

Moms. The original autocorrect.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

wtf is an acronym

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

Very good! 👍😂

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die