teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]