Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
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Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
this got me crying😭😭
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die