Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey