Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

goldfish mafia

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.