Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

I have written yet another poem about laundry

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

Jesus Christ lmao

Worth remembering.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.