Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
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What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.