Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
…żyje?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.