Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Need this in my life lol
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
real
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would