Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

The Struggle

Already got one

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.