Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.