Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

I’ll be mad as hell!

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

This is a true ally.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.