Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
This guy’s not having it 😆
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name