Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
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Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I saw nothing
Love this guy
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
wishing you and yours all the best
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.