Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
You Might Also Like
i wish all
whales
a very
big
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.