Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl