Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Ummm
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
White parent Vs Arab parents
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”