Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
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If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes