Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear