Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

Jupiter

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?