Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down