Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
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Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?