Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
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“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
what
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
So, can we agree on 4 or
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos