Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs