Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Breaking news:

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

Saying “3 twins” is wild.