Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

Cartman: Respect my
a a

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

realest tweet ever.

this is the best day of my life

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

need a new bf mines broken 😐