Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold