Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”