Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

me, after any kind of buffet.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!