Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*