Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

man: wait

time: no

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.