Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
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Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
THE DOG😭😭💀
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Gas station lines at 2 am:
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard